So... to anyone who reads this (most likely just "Willy")... I am, like I said, officially hitting rock bottom. I have been without a job for some time now. Not only am I flat broke, I am going crazy having all this free time. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of hobbies to catch up on... but I can't take anymore daytime television. I am going nuts! I actually didn't realize how far down I was until this morning when I woke up.
I realized that I literally had NO money. This doesn't mean that I have a few dollars stashed away in my savings account... this mean I have NO money. I had about $6.00 in change until I bought 2 gallons of gas with it this afternoon. The gas station attendant wasn't too happy about the quarters, nickels and dimes. I wouldn't bother with the gas (since Ames has the WONDERFUL CyRide bus system) but I have to have transportation to go apply for jobs and go to interviews (IF I ever get one). Some of the job locations don't fall along any bus routes. This is a vicious circle I am caught in.
My Mom brought over some random things for me to eat. I will be living off of primarily Ramen noodles, Cherios without milk, and bananas. I smoked my last cigarette about 2 hours ago. I guess this is a good time as any for me to quit. If I can't afford food, I sure as hell can't support my ridiculous addiction to nicotine. It will be tough, though. It surely wont help with my stress level at this point.
I swear I have encountered more rude people at grocery stores and gas stations lately then ever before. I want to scream at them! "At least you HAVE a job!" A note to all you who hate your jobs and treat customers or coworkers like crap.... really reflect on your situation. Can you pay your rent? I can't. Can you pay your car payment or insurance? I can't. Can you buy food for yourself or even enjoy the luxury of eating out once in a while? I can't. Can you pay your co-pay for your prescriptions that sustain your life or sanity? I can't... and neither can my diabetic boyfriend. I want to tell those people that I should have their job. I would appreciate it more... and make more of an effort.
I have never felt this terrible about my life and myself EVER before. I am ashamed, embarrassed, and disappointed with my situation. I am so upset with myself. I feel like there is something more I should be doing... or should have done. I feel totally helpless and depressed.
I have to go now because I just found out that my boyfriend has disappeared. I will write more later....
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